I want a broken heart.

I want my heart to be broken. And I want it to hurt. That gnawing, empty, breath-taking heartbreak. You know the feeling, right? I definitely know it. I’ve spent my life relentlessly attempting to avoid it. It absolutely terrifies me. But in spite of my constant efforts, I’ve still had my heart broken at least a few times.

My worst heartbreak was because of a girl. Obviously. We were in a relationship for 5 years. I asked her to marry me. She said yes. Everything was perfect. It was supposed to be a beautiful, happy ending. It wasn’t. At some point, she fell out of love with me and the relationship ended. My heart shattered. It hurt to wake up. It hurt to go to sleep. It hurt to breathe.

Another heartbreak came from losing a Muay Thai fight. After losing my first fight by a brutal, painful and embarrassing knockout, I poured my heart and soul into training for my next fight. I did everything right. I made all the necessary changes. I trained harder than ever. And I lost. Again. It crushed me. I questioned my self-worth. I questioned my identity. For months, every time my coach would say my name, I expected him to tell me that he didn’t want me fighting or coaching at his gym anymore. I wanted to quit.

Both of those earth shattering heartbreaks only occurred because I was naive. If I would’ve actually thought it through and realized the potentially devastating outcomes, I never would’ve fallen in love with that girl and I never would’ve fought again. I hated myself for allowing it to happen.  I was reckless. I considered it a huge mistake on my part. I’ve been even more vigilant in avoiding heartbreak since then.

But recently, something happened. It no longer hurts to wake up or go to sleep or breathe. I now look back at my time with the girl and I am overwhelmed with gratitude. She made me a better person in almost every way I can think of. The happy times, the demise, the breakup, the gut-wrenching heartbreak, everything. It has given me a strength and happiness that I never even considered possible. My life has become something even more beautiful because of my time with her.

And I no longer think my coach is going to tell me he doesn’t want me at his gym. I’ve changed the way I train, the way I think about it and approach it. I dominated the fights I’ve had since then. My confidence has improved. I feel stronger. I’m not afraid of losing.

I was wrong to avoid heartbreak. It’s been the biggest mistake of my life. My worst heartbreaks have been my greatest gifts. They only occur after something beautiful, profound, meaningful happens and when it’s all over, I become a better version of myself. I want more.

Heartbreak feels a lot like getting hit by a train. I came to the obvious conclusion that it’s almost impossible to get hit by a train if you don’t go anywhere near the tracks – and for most of my life, I stayed away from the tracks.

But heartbreak means something powerful. It means I gave a piece of myself to something I loved or trusted or had faith in. It means I was vulnerable. It means I recklessly poured my heart into someone or something I care about and shared a deeply profound moment with them without fear of the outcome. And I can’t think of anything I’d rather do for something I love.

In a few months, I’m moving across the country. I’m leaving Portland to start a job in Atlanta. And I want my heart to completely shatter when I leave. I want to collapse in tears when I think about seeing Portland shimmer in the rain while I’m running across the Burnside Bridge. I want to feel that deep, relentless ache in my chest when I think about the street my apartment is on. I want my heart to stop beating when I see a picture of someone in Portland I care about.

My broken heart will be proof that I left a piece of myself in this city, on these streets, with these people. That I loved, trusted, had faith. That I laid on those tracks in the face of my paralyzing fear. That I gave it my everything. That I poured my soul into the people and things that matter to me.

I’ve successfully avoided plenty of heartbreak in my life and I’ve missed thousands of beautiful opportunities because of it. I was too scared. I’m still scared. But I can’t let it happen anymore. It’s a mistake I refuse to make again. I’ll be reckless. I won’t think about the outcome. I will give a piece of myself to those I care about. I will let them break my heart. I’m terrified. But the most profound, beautiful things in this life are scary.

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99 thoughts on “I want a broken heart.

  1. There’s no hurting without loving. There’s no living without loving. There’s nothing like it – that thing called love, in its truest form.

    You came before I did and leave before I do! Funny how time flies! I have no doubt you will be missed. Congrats! And good luck! 🙂 🙂

    Liked by 4 people

  2. I love your writing. Thank you for sharing, for being vulnerable.
    I also love how your posts are very relatable. I don’t feel alone when I read your words.
    You are a beautiful resilient man with much to offer! I look forward to your broken heart 😉

    Liked by 3 people

  3. Coming from a person who suffers from anxiety, those heartbreaks for me are followed by indescribable fear and terror for what follows. However, once I get to overcome it, it is the best feeling of the world. Something clicks into place, understanding.

    Best wishes on your new job!

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Beautiful post. You’re an amazing writer. I really admire your attitude – heartbreak and loss do make us grow and become stronger, but they certainly are painful. Wish you the best of luck with everything – speak766

    Liked by 1 person

  5. A breath-taking and lump in my throat read! You are an incredible writer because you brought the exact feelings you were describing into my heart. Oh yes, the hurt is so traumatic but as you state, so worth it. I love the vulnerability of your writing and I truly enjoyed reading this!

    Liked by 1 person

  6. You’re an amazingly gifted writer! And I also have been avoiding heartbreak. That’s terrifying stuff right there. I was even getting anxious reading “I hope my heart shatters…”. But you’re right. Even though it’s tough, once you get through it, it changes you! Best of luck at your new job!

    Liked by 1 person

  7. I love the honestly in your writing! I’ve been looking for a broken heart recently and it’s cool to find out I’m not the only one. something about those feelings validates that you had something in the first place. Or maybe there is such a thing as emotional masochism 😅
    Very good read.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. I enjoyed the writing immensely. I like it that you turned what could be quite a sad topic into a piece that is ultimately uplifting and encouraging. Looking forward to browsing the rest of your blog.

    Helen

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Great piece. The title brought me in, then you kept my attention with your honesty. I don’t think it would have worked as well if you weren’t a fighter. There something in the metaphor of knocking yourself against this potential pain that is believable from an athlete.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I am absolutely with you on this, inserenityblog. While I really enjoyed this blog, I believe it was written a bit backwards. It’s more of a: “I survived it, and it made me the way I am now (good)” more than: “come and trample my heart (bad)”. You should find other feelings. See what brings them out. I worry for you if only devastating things remind you that you are alive.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I agree with your sentiment here which makes me think you totally missed the point I was trying to communicate. It certainly does not take devastating things to make me feel alive! Thank you for sharing your thoughtful concern. 🙂

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  10. WOW powerful.. hmm I would go for someone like you who is so authentic raw and honest.. your work resonated as I also feel pretty alone right now and can’t seem to gel with anyone but I view it as character building like you.. constructive criticism..I think you can edit it down probably lost me by last 2 paras ..I think you saI’d everything by then. Keep writing it’s rare for a male writer to have your emotional insights.. special man 😀

    Liked by 1 person

  11. I just wrote a post about toxic friendships. I have had to get rid of toxic people in the past and my heart has hurt so bad. I went days without smiling and days without eating. I guess my heart is just too tender. However, now I am thankful for those toxic friendships. They have taught me to appreciate the people who really care about me. I loved this post!! Keep it up!
    http://thisbeautifuldisasterlife.wordpress.com

    Liked by 1 person

  12. A whole different view on a heartbreak. As you started about how you prevented heartbreak, I began wondering how could you want more of something so devastating. But WHAM! Read the entire page and yes, I’m still struggling, but it’s relieving to know that there is this whole another strength brought by a heartbreak. Thanks, man!

    Liked by 1 person

  13. I see you have been told this several times before me but I will say it again, this was so beutifully written, you are right with pain comes joy.
    I write in a similar style to you, you may enjoy my most recent post. Check it out if you like

    Liked by 1 person

  14. Thank you for sharing, this is a great way of looking at it. Heartbreak can be damaging if we let it overcome our lives. But if we take the lessons that comes out of it, at the end of the day we won’t be losing anything but gaining a lot more! I wish you the best of travels! Portland is a great city! I will too be moving across the country in a week! Such an exciting adventure!
    Best wishes,
    -Carla

    Liked by 1 person

  15. Please don’t ever wish for a broken heart!!! Please I have experienced and loved with a broken heart and you should believe me, it really hurts, it is really painful. When in your sleepless nights you miss her while travelling you remember the time spend together!! It really hurts bro!!
    Please never ever ask for a broken heart😢!!

    Like

  16. After reading this I feel so much better about my decision to move on from my abusive relationship that I just recently broke off and I completely agree with you, after every heartbreak something wonderful and beautiful happens to us, we just kind of have this realization of our true worth. I too wrote a piece on my heartbreak, feel free to check it out, feedback is much appreciated! https://amazingaims.wordpress.com/2017/06/22/a-letter-to-my-ex/
    But back to you, this is an amazing piece!

    Liked by 1 person

  17. This is the most beautiful piece I’ve read in a long time. Thank you. I am a cancer survivor(26 years when I was diagnosed with stage 3 breast cancer!) and the heartbreak is unexplainable. Treatment made me nothing. And now 2 years later I stand here a SOMEBODY… i’m working and writing. And I feel like that heartbreak probably made me love my self and my life again. Thank you for these words ❤️❤️

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Wow. What a story. I’m so happy to hear that you were able to get to where you are now. I can’t imagine the strength that took. And on top of that, it sounds like you used that extremely difficult experience to become a better, happier person. You’re an inspiration. Thank you so much for reading my words and leaving your comment. 🙂

      Like

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