BMG Audition: It turns out I can’t act

Part of shooting for an outrageous goal is failing big.  I auditioned for the Blue Man Group and I totally crashed and burned.  I can’t say that there was ever a point that I really believed I was going to get the role, but it is way too easy to fantasize about moving to New York City to perform for 500+ people every night and collect a nice paycheck.  It’s a great fantasy.

When I was invited to audition, I told a couple of close friends and family about it.  About a day later, people were calling me saying, “I heard you’re gonna be a Blue Man!”  Everyone knew and everyone was CERTAIN that I’d get it.

Walking out of the Blue Man headquarters was a bummer, especially when I knew I’d be getting phone calls all day asking how it went.

I walked back to the Starbucks where my unbelievably supportive girlfriend, Lisa, was waiting for me.

“How’d it go?!”  She was so excited and adorable.

If the Blue Man casting team could only see me now…I had truly honed in on acting like a first grader.  “It went terrible, let’s get outta here.”

Lisa and I walked down to Battery Park.  Like the adorable tourist that she was, Lisa wanted to get a hotdog and pose in front of the Statue of Liberty for a picture.  I just wanted to eat the hotdog.  I have to say though; there is no possible way to stay upset when you’re with someone who just wants to have a photo shoot with a hotdog in front of the Statue of Liberty.

I was thankful that I received text messages and not phone calls from the people curious about my audition.  “How’d it go!?”  Everyone was asking.

My responses were reminiscent of The Wedding Singer:  “How’s your girlfriend?” “She fell off a cliff, died on impact.”

Between Lisa’s enthusiasm and me chuckling about my own funny text responses, I started to come out of my little pity party.  Just then, some guy asked me for directions to a place and I responded with some details and the guy thanked me and went on his way.  Lisa looked at me thoroughly confused because this was my first day in New York City and I’m giving directions.  He just happened to ask for directions to the place we just walked from; the only place in the city I knew how to get to.

But that’s when it hit me:  I’m in New York City!  Look at this place!  What the hell am I doing here?!  My first ever audition was for a Broadway show?  That is so hilarious and stupid!  I love it.

Suddenly it didn’t feel like a failure.  It felt more like how it feels to buy a losing lottery ticket.  But I could learn how to win this lottery.  Being rejected like that really showed me a very significant weakness: I can’t act.  Not that I thought I could act before, but sometimes I need a spotlight to shine on it for me to truly get it.  The audition also showed a strength: I freaking love being the center of attention.

So now I’m fully aware that I have the arrogance and self-centeredness to want to be up on a stage, but I simply lack any type of skill.  Community theater acting classes, here I come!

It also became clear that if I’m going to start auditioning for things, I am going to crash and burn way more often than I’m going to succeed.  Auditioning in itself is fun.  I had a blast.  I will continue to audition* for outrageous things until one day my skills match what they need for the show, or the casting director is drunk.  But for now, I’m working on adding acting to my list of artistic skills.

*In fact, I’ve already auditioned for another stupidly ambitious project: the drummer for the Legends In Concert show…I’ll write about how I obviously blew that in another post.

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