I want my heart to be broken. And I want it to hurt. That gnawing, empty, breath-taking heartbreak. You know the feeling, right? I definitely know it. I’ve spent my life relentlessly attempting to avoid it. It absolutely terrifies me. But in spite of my constant efforts, I’ve still had my heart broken at least a few times.
My worst heartbreak was because of a girl. Obviously. We were in a relationship for 5 years. I asked her to marry me. She said yes. Everything was perfect. It was supposed to be a beautiful, happy ending. It wasn’t. At some point, she fell out of love with me and the relationship ended. My heart shattered. It hurt to wake up. It hurt to go to sleep. It hurt to breathe.
Another heartbreak came from losing a Muay Thai fight. After losing my first fight by a brutal, painful and embarrassing knockout, I poured my heart and soul into training for my next fight. I did everything right. I made all the necessary changes. I trained harder than ever. And I lost. Again. It crushed me. I questioned my self-worth. I questioned my identity. For months, every time my coach would say my name, I expected him to tell me that he didn’t want me fighting or coaching at his gym anymore. I wanted to quit.
Both of those earth shattering heartbreaks only occurred because I was naive. If I would’ve actually thought it through and realized the potentially devastating outcomes, I never would’ve fallen in love with that girl and I never would’ve fought again. I hated myself for allowing it to happen. I was reckless. I considered it a huge mistake on my part. I’ve been even more vigilant in avoiding heartbreak since then.
But recently, something happened. It no longer hurts to wake up or go to sleep or breathe. I now look back at my time with the girl and I am overwhelmed with gratitude. She made me a better person in almost every way I can think of. The happy times, the demise, the breakup, the gut-wrenching heartbreak, everything. It has given me a strength and happiness that I never even considered possible. My life has become something even more beautiful because of my time with her.
And I no longer think my coach is going to tell me he doesn’t want me at his gym. I’ve changed the way I train, the way I think about it and approach it. I dominated the fights I’ve had since then. My confidence has improved. I feel stronger. I’m not afraid of losing.
I was wrong to avoid heartbreak. It’s been the biggest mistake of my life. My worst heartbreaks have been my greatest gifts. They only occur after something beautiful, profound, meaningful happens and when it’s all over, I become a better version of myself. I want more.
Heartbreak feels a lot like getting hit by a train. I came to the obvious conclusion that it’s almost impossible to get hit by a train if you don’t go anywhere near the tracks – and for most of my life, I stayed away from the tracks.
But heartbreak means something powerful. It means I gave a piece of myself to something I loved or trusted or had faith in. It means I was vulnerable. It means I recklessly poured my heart into someone or something I care about and shared a deeply profound moment with them without fear of the outcome. And I can’t think of anything I’d rather do for something I love.
In a few months, I’m moving across the country. I’m leaving Portland to start a job in Atlanta. And I want my heart to completely shatter when I leave. I want to collapse in tears when I think about seeing Portland shimmer in the rain while I’m running across the Burnside Bridge. I want to feel that deep, relentless ache in my chest when I think about the street my apartment is on. I want my heart to stop beating when I see a picture of someone in Portland I care about.
My broken heart will be proof that I left a piece of myself in this city, on these streets, with these people. That I loved, trusted, had faith. That I laid on those tracks in the face of my paralyzing fear. That I gave it my everything. That I poured my soul into the people and things that matter to me.
I’ve successfully avoided plenty of heartbreak in my life and I’ve missed thousands of beautiful opportunities because of it. I was too scared. I’m still scared. But I can’t let it happen anymore. It’s a mistake I refuse to make again. I’ll be reckless. I won’t think about the outcome. I will give a piece of myself to those I care about. I will let them break my heart. I’m terrified. But the most profound, beautiful things in this life are scary.
There’s no hurting without loving. There’s no living without loving. There’s nothing like it – that thing called love, in its truest form.
You came before I did and leave before I do! Funny how time flies! I have no doubt you will be missed. Congrats! And good luck! 🙂 🙂
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Thank you, Amy! I’m very happy you’ve been part of the journey.
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I love your writing. Thank you for sharing, for being vulnerable.
I also love how your posts are very relatable. I don’t feel alone when I read your words.
You are a beautiful resilient man with much to offer! I look forward to your broken heart 😉
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You’re always so supportive. Thank you. I look forward to you breaking my heart. 🙂
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this is a beautiful post.
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Thank you!
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What a remarkable attitude – I’m storing what ya wrote in my memory for future reference 🙂 thanks 🙂
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Thank you! Hopefully it comes in handy at some point! 😉
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Coming from a person who suffers from anxiety, those heartbreaks for me are followed by indescribable fear and terror for what follows. However, once I get to overcome it, it is the best feeling of the world. Something clicks into place, understanding.
Best wishes on your new job!
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It’s ridiculous to think that something so incredible can come from something so awful but that seems to be how it works out. Thank you so much for your comment!
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This is so beautiful ….I love how you pour your heart out in these blogs
Amazing job, keep it up.
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Thank you so much. I’m just really happy to have something to pour my heart into. 🙂
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You are not alone. Face your fears, never give up and follow your heart. Love to you ❤ AL
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Thank you! I will do my very best.
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Beautiful post. You’re an amazing writer. I really admire your attitude – heartbreak and loss do make us grow and become stronger, but they certainly are painful. Wish you the best of luck with everything – speak766
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Thank you so much. It means a lot to me to hear that.
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I like your article, very inspiring and thank you for your post
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Thank you!
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Hey! Be positive. Tomorrow will be better. Don’t think too much on the negative side. Miss Right is waiting for you. Don’t give up.
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Thank you. I felt pretty positive and optimistic while writing this post. 🙂 When I suspect Miss Right is around, I’ll jump in with both feet!
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A breath-taking and lump in my throat read! You are an incredible writer because you brought the exact feelings you were describing into my heart. Oh yes, the hurt is so traumatic but as you state, so worth it. I love the vulnerability of your writing and I truly enjoyed reading this!
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Wow. Thank you so very much! 🙂
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You should be so proud! I’ve had a lot of likes of your blog. You are an amazing writer. I hope you have a great weekend 😊
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Accidentally stumbled upon your blog and just wow. I love your writing.
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Well what a wonderful accident! Thank you so much.
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You’re an amazingly gifted writer! And I also have been avoiding heartbreak. That’s terrifying stuff right there. I was even getting anxious reading “I hope my heart shatters…”. But you’re right. Even though it’s tough, once you get through it, it changes you! Best of luck at your new job!
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🙂 Thank you. Sorry about giving you anxiety! 😉
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Reblogged this on heaven and haleigh and commented:
Powerful and important read from…well, someone named James.
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Thank you!
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No thanks needed, this was excellent. Thank you for writing so with such candor.
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You’re an amazing writer. Damn this gave me chills. 🙂
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Wow, thank you very much.
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I love the honestly in your writing! I’ve been looking for a broken heart recently and it’s cool to find out I’m not the only one. something about those feelings validates that you had something in the first place. Or maybe there is such a thing as emotional masochism 😅
Very good read.
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Thanks so much. Haha, yeah emotional masochism is a possibility!
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I enjoyed the writing immensely. I like it that you turned what could be quite a sad topic into a piece that is ultimately uplifting and encouraging. Looking forward to browsing the rest of your blog.
Helen
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Thanks so much, Helen!
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Heartbreaks has made me stronger in many ways. There are so many times have tried out some things but didn’t get good result, your post has increased my courage to never give up. Thanks.
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Your comment totally warmed my heart. Thank you!
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After reading this, I thought, “oh let’s find a way to get our heart broken,self”. Your writing is open and relatable and I really enjoyed reading it.
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Haha, always happy to inspire a broken heart! Thank you!
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You are welcome
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This is beautiful and very touching. I too find myself longing for a heartbreak every now and then. Great post.
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Thank you. 🙂
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Great piece. The title brought me in, then you kept my attention with your honesty. I don’t think it would have worked as well if you weren’t a fighter. There something in the metaphor of knocking yourself against this potential pain that is believable from an athlete.
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Thank you so much! Heartbreak comes from more than relationships, that’s for sure.
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This is the best thing i read today ! 🙂 But i solemnly wish your heart never breaks . Take Care. Love.
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Thank you! I mean, I kind of wish that too, but if my heart breaks, it’ll be worth it. 🙂
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Just love love love this!
Been there, done that.
Beautifully written! Kudos.
Do read my blog and share your thoughts. http://www.shreyaagr.wordpress.com
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Thank you! I’ll definitely check out our blog!
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This is soo goood but Trust me you don’t wanna be heartbroken.
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Thank you! I don’t necessarily want to be heartbroken but I definitely want all of the things that would lead up to it. 🙂
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You don’t.. the right person will come and make you feel so good, homely and nice.. wait for that and nothing more.. not a heartbreak atleast
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I am absolutely with you on this, inserenityblog. While I really enjoyed this blog, I believe it was written a bit backwards. It’s more of a: “I survived it, and it made me the way I am now (good)” more than: “come and trample my heart (bad)”. You should find other feelings. See what brings them out. I worry for you if only devastating things remind you that you are alive.
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I agree with your sentiment here which makes me think you totally missed the point I was trying to communicate. It certainly does not take devastating things to make me feel alive! Thank you for sharing your thoughtful concern. 🙂
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Glad to hear!
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WOW powerful.. hmm I would go for someone like you who is so authentic raw and honest.. your work resonated as I also feel pretty alone right now and can’t seem to gel with anyone but I view it as character building like you.. constructive criticism..I think you can edit it down probably lost me by last 2 paras ..I think you saI’d everything by then. Keep writing it’s rare for a male writer to have your emotional insights.. special man 😀
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Special man! Haha. Thank you for the feedback. Being appropriately concise is definitely a constant struggle.
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This gave me goosebumps. I’m right in the midst of a broken heart, and I can feel myself transforming from it. Every little things gonna be alright.
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Ah, you’re so right. Hang in there!
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I just wrote a post about toxic friendships. I have had to get rid of toxic people in the past and my heart has hurt so bad. I went days without smiling and days without eating. I guess my heart is just too tender. However, now I am thankful for those toxic friendships. They have taught me to appreciate the people who really care about me. I loved this post!! Keep it up!
http://thisbeautifuldisasterlife.wordpress.com
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I love your attitude. Thank you for reading and commenting. I’ll check out your post!
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Woah, that post was GOOD. I for sure needed to hear some of the things you said here!
On another note… you’ll like Atlanta 😉
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Thanks so much. 🙂 I’m terrified of moving to Atlanta and I hope you’re right!
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Are you going to work at Emory?
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I’m going to a place called Progressive Medical Center. Are you from Atlanta?
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I’m from Augusta, Ga but pretty familiar with the ATL area! If you ever need pointers let me know!
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I may take you up on that! Thank you!
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Anytime!
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A whole different view on a heartbreak. As you started about how you prevented heartbreak, I began wondering how could you want more of something so devastating. But WHAM! Read the entire page and yes, I’m still struggling, but it’s relieving to know that there is this whole another strength brought by a heartbreak. Thanks, man!
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Thanks so much for checking it out!
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I see you have been told this several times before me but I will say it again, this was so beutifully written, you are right with pain comes joy.
I write in a similar style to you, you may enjoy my most recent post. Check it out if you like
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Thank you. I’m all for additional positive reinforcement and I appreciate your comment very much. 🙂 I’ll definitely check out your blog!
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Either you’re right or crazy.. Either way thumbs up to the positive attitude.
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Haha! Yep, I think that’s a pretty accurate assessment. 😉 Thank you!
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Thank you for sharing, this is a great way of looking at it. Heartbreak can be damaging if we let it overcome our lives. But if we take the lessons that comes out of it, at the end of the day we won’t be losing anything but gaining a lot more! I wish you the best of travels! Portland is a great city! I will too be moving across the country in a week! Such an exciting adventure!
Best wishes,
-Carla
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Thank you, Carla! Good luck with your cross-country move. It’s scary and exciting. I hope everything works out how you want it to!
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Thank you! It is very exciting! Best wishes to you as well! -Carla
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So true. Beautifully written! The comeback after the heartbreak is a story, although I pray nobody goes through that pain: not everybody survives it. But prayers and positivity to those in pain. Hope my blog inspires and help one going through all of it. Read it at https://sentient448.wordpress.com/
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Awesome, I’ll check out your blog. Thanks for commenting!
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Such beautiful words. I am captivated.
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🙂 thank you.
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Please don’t ever wish for a broken heart!!! Please I have experienced and loved with a broken heart and you should believe me, it really hurts, it is really painful. When in your sleepless nights you miss her while travelling you remember the time spend together!! It really hurts bro!!
Please never ever ask for a broken heart😢!!
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Awww, I know that pain. It’s worth it for love, though! 🙂
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After reading this I feel so much better about my decision to move on from my abusive relationship that I just recently broke off and I completely agree with you, after every heartbreak something wonderful and beautiful happens to us, we just kind of have this realization of our true worth. I too wrote a piece on my heartbreak, feel free to check it out, feedback is much appreciated! https://amazingaims.wordpress.com/2017/06/22/a-letter-to-my-ex/
But back to you, this is an amazing piece!
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I’m so happy to hear you got yourself out of that abusive relationship. I’ll certainly read your blog post. Thank you for your kind words and sharing your story!
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Thank you so much for your feedback! I really appreciate this! As well as your support! I’m working on a new piece hopefully you catch it!
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Great one 👍
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Thanks!
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Sigh
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Haha, I feel ya!
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Every heartbreak is a lesson. Thank u for sharing this. I love it so much
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I totally agree. Thank you for your comment! 🙂
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You’re a great writer. Thanks for sharing.
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Thank you. And thank you for reading.
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This is the most beautiful piece I’ve read in a long time. Thank you. I am a cancer survivor(26 years when I was diagnosed with stage 3 breast cancer!) and the heartbreak is unexplainable. Treatment made me nothing. And now 2 years later I stand here a SOMEBODY… i’m working and writing. And I feel like that heartbreak probably made me love my self and my life again. Thank you for these words ❤️❤️
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Wow. What a story. I’m so happy to hear that you were able to get to where you are now. I can’t imagine the strength that took. And on top of that, it sounds like you used that extremely difficult experience to become a better, happier person. You’re an inspiration. Thank you so much for reading my words and leaving your comment. 🙂
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Thank you!! Feel free to stop through my pieces. My soul is chilling in there ❤️
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